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Date: 2010-03-13 02:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lirazel.livejournal.com
Gah, I know so well what you've been going through. My dad was just your dad's age when he died from the same thing.

My prayers are with you, and your mom.

Date: 2010-03-19 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grysar.livejournal.com
Thanks we both appreciate it. Let me know if you have any advice as someone who has been their, particularly vis-a-vie supporting my Mom.

Date: 2010-03-19 06:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lirazel.livejournal.com
Hoo-boy. Let's see if I can distill this into a couple of pithy statements.

1) Don't expect your or your mom's grief to follow any specific path or process. Kubler-Ross ended up disavowing a lot of her classification of the grieving process. You don't really ever "get over it and move on." You do incorporate it. A life without deep grief is as empty as a life without deep love, so if you want a full life...

2) Don't expect your grief to be the same as your mom's. You are grieving for your father. She is grieving for her husband, and that's very different. My mom was very angry with my father for dying, at the same time that she grieved. When anything bad happened, she would say, "He's still trying to test me, dammit!" and she was half-serious. Sometimes she was more than half serious. She was also surprised at how much my sibs and I were grieving, because she had a lousy relationship with her own father and didn't really understand what we were going through. I had to remind her about the husbands and fathers being different thing.

3) Do expect to be surprised by grief for the rest of your life, especially at moments of great joy. When the Wonder Offspring was accepted into the Center for Talented Youth program (with consequent fanfare), my mom and I went to the ceremony. I was thrilled. She was in tears. "Your father would have been so pleased." That will happen, sometimes when you expect it, sometimes not.

4) Seeing as how we have a shared basis here, I will also tell you to remember that your father is still involved in your life, in ways you can't see and in ways that you can and will. We do not mourn as do those who have no hope.

Date: 2010-03-20 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grysar.livejournal.com
Thank you. It's a tricky thing to distill and I think that will be useful.
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